Dear friends, I have an offer for you, and one you will find you cannot refuse.
Right now, I know most of you are suffering through one of the most painful election cycles of modern times.
If you are either frustrated by all your choices, or even if you like one candidate and find the other side unpalatable, but feel powerless to do anything about it, I have a way for your voice to be heard for just a tiny investment on your part. It’s a secret I’m willing to share with you gratis, because I can tell you have discerning tastes.
Donate $5 to a candidate you dislike. You MUST mail them a check or money order. MAKE SURE they have your home address, and preferably not your email address.
If you don’t care about the candidates, but really hate x, y, or z organization because of your deep rooted convictions, this will work for you as well.
Send the $5. Within a month, you will start getting solicitations for more. They will come with messages like “Only you can help me stop (Trump, Clinton, The NRA, NARAL, or whoever) and I need your donation before this reporting period is up!”
The mailer will be slick, sometimes in a big envelope with lots of glossy inserts affirming the policies you disagree with.
Something like that costs more than a dollar to produce, even in bulk, and close to that to mail. By the time you’ve got three of them, the person/cause is a net loser on you.
But if you think you’ll just get three, you’re mistaken. Go ahead and try it. You’ll end up getting dozens of mailers before election day. It will be great. As they come in you can count the cost to the putz you hate going into your recycling bin.
Wouldn’t you say that was worth a measly $5?
Your name and address will go into a database as a political ally who donates to the cause. These campaigns make money by selling your information to other, similar campaigns. Pretty soon, every person you disagree with will be spending ten dollars a month mailing you plaintive requests for donations.
My friends, I give you the gift that keeps on giving. If you’re like me, the trash is on the way back to my house from the mailbox. You don’t even have to work that hard to get rid of the political effluvia that shows up every day.
That seems like a great deal, right? $5 dollars will get you months and months of joy as you gleefully throw their campaign dollars away. Laugh as you tear up the expensive mailers into tiny bits. Maybe keep a sharpie handy so you can draw horns or goofy mustaches on their faces before you consign them to midden heap.
Right now you’re probably thanking me, already getting out your checkbook.
But my friends, I’m not done.
In four years, when the cycle starts again, your name will be there. On dozens of lists. The engine will start again, greased by the oil of unlimited soft money, and the forester will sharpen his axe once more, anything to keep up with the demand for the paper to send you a request for more money. More help to fight for the cause you don’t agree with.
My friends, that’s all the tangible gifts I have for you tonight. I’m sorry I couldn’t come up with more. You will have to settle for a hundredfold return on your investment.
However, if you order now, and write a check to Ted Cruz, Hillary Clinton, the Family Research Council, or Planned Parenthood, I can tell you how to get EVEN MORE satisfaction out of it. It will just take an additional $5.
That’s right. Just five dollars more and I can double your emotional joy. It won’t increase your return ratio, but it will increase the laughs as you shred the mailers.
Donate $5 using your middle initial. For instance, I would write a check and put the name Terence E Mahoney on the accompanying form.
And then I will write another, to a different politician or cause, but this time I’m T Edward Mahoney.

Now, my friends, you have something to bet on if the horses aren’t running. Just think, which version will garner more solicitations. Maybe assign point values for different sizes. The sky’s the limit. You don’t even have to stop at two. I’m sure your kids want to get in on this too.